EP119 The December Identity Crisis: Parties, Pressure, and Who the Hell Am I Now?

December has a vibe… and not always the sparkly, mulled-wine, jingle-bell kind.

For a lot of women, this month hits like a bloody identity earthquake.

If you’re juggling Christmas parties you don’t want to go to, social expectations that don’t feel like you anymore, family dynamics that bring up old versions of you, or that weird sinking feeling that says “who even am I right now?” … this episode is your home.

In this week’s deep dive, we unpack why December is basically identity season in disguise. Why this month brings up old roles, old patterns, old versions of you… and why you feel pulled between who you used to be, who everyone expects you to be, and who you’re trying to become.

You’re not dramatic.
You’re not losing it.
You’re not going backwards.

December just has a nasty habit of holding up a mirror.

Inside this episode:

• Why December triggers the deepest identity wobbles
• Why you suddenly feel “too sensitive,” “too tired,” or “too emotional”
• How social events bring up old versions of you
• The link between endings, beginnings, and “who the hell am I now?”
• What to do when you can’t face the noise but feel guilty about staying in
• Why reinvention feels harder at Christmas (and how to make it easier)
• Micro-shifts that make December actually feel peaceful, not performative
• How to choose yourself during the busiest, most overwhelming month of the year

This isn’t an episode about Christmas.

It’s an episode about identity, self-worth, and not abandoning yourself just because it’s December.

If you’re in your cocoon era… if you don’t recognise yourself… if you’re navigating new life chapters after divorce, burnout, career changes, menopause, or the empty nest… this one will land deep.

And if this episode hits you in the gut?

Share it. Save it.
Send it to the woman who always puts herself last in December.

Your reinvention doesn’t stop for Christmas.

If anything… this is where it begins.

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Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  0:00  

Hello, hello and welcome, welcome. Welcome to the reinvention era podcast, where we ditch the bullshit we face the real stuff and basically reinvent our lives, one honest conversation at a time. And welcome to December too, where Mariah was already starting in fucking September. And anyone playing the last Christmas game is definitely out by the time December even freaking arrived, right? So let's talk about December, shall we? And no, not the Instagram December, where everyone's cosy in matching PJs, and where they're grateful and baking cinnamon buns at 6am like they're auditioning for a human John Lewis advert. I don't mean that crap. I mean real December, the December where you've eaten a whole advent calendar by the fifth, the December where you look in the wardrobe and wonder why every dress screams either funeral or year 10 disco, the December where you're somehow expected to be social and sparkly and emotionally healed and available and everything else, when all you really want to do is hibernate under a weighted blanket and reflect on every life decision since about 1991 you know it, right? So this episode is for you if you've had a plot twist this year, if you're in your cocoon era, if you're navigating a divorce show or breakup, if you've outgrown half the people on your phone, if you're sick of performing an identity that you don't actually fit into anymore, or if you're just fucking tired, because what nobody likes to say is that December is a mirror, and sometimes it reflects back what's uncomfortable to say the least. And that means it isn't just a month. It's kind of like a full blown identity season. Darling. Why? Well, let's get into it. So I think there are three words that explain exactly why December makes so many women feel like they're malfunctioning and just messes with your whole sense of self. Old. Identity exposure, because December does this weird thing where every version of you that ever existed suddenly gets an invite to the same fucking party, the daughter you the mum, you the single, you the wife, you the divorced, you the grieving, you the trying to hold it all together. You and they all need to be in charge. They all want to be in charge, don't they? And this month pulls you back into rooms that you've actually outgrown, into roles that you don't even fit into anymore, into expectations that you didn't even realise you were still freaking carrying, and then suddenly you're the single one or the oh, how are you doing now? One or the one who's so strong, which we all know is code for you're still functioning despite the trauma. And we don't know what to say. We don't know what else to say. One or the one who's expected to turn up cheerful, even if you're inside to feel like mashed potato and if you're divorced, honey, December is basically the Olympics of emotional fucking triggers, school nativity with the eczema, office Christmas party where everyone suddenly turns into bloody love, actually characters, friends, mates, asking what you're doing on Christmas Day with a pity voice, oh, what are you doing on Christmas Day, trying to navigate who gets the kids and when, seeing families who look like they were grown in a lab designed by. Pinterest, it's a lot. It's a lot, right? So here's what I actually want to say to December very loudly. You're not overwhelmed because you're weak or can't cope or feel like you're not good enough, or whatever shit, you're overwhelmed, because December demands a million fucking versions of you all at once, right? And your nervous system's like, babes, I'm tired. Give me a break, you know? 

Sarah Elizabeth  5:39  

Like, let's start with the whole Christmas party, identity crisis. Let's call it that, shall we? Identity crisis. So Christmas parties, whether you're corporate, self employed or just pretending to be busy, so you don't have to actually go to any of them, the December social calendar becomes this weird identity pressure pot you're expected to look fabulous. Have fun. Be fun. Big, chatty answer questions you don't actually want to answer. Pretend your life is sorted and you've got your shit together, drink even when you rather be at home with tea and shortbread. Thank you very much. Even have a date, even when you don't want one. You expected to go on a fucking date. What's that about? Because you've got to look like you've moved on. And probably is really another thing that I've not even thought about. It's basically an emotional performance with you dressed up as a night out. You're standing there with your Prosecco or no Seco, in my case, thinking I don't even know I'm supposed to be in this world. Who am I? Where am I? Why am I? Am I the confident, single 1am? I supposed to be the mysterious enigma? Am I the thriving post divorce goddess, not with its arm, or am I the woman who secretly Googled, can you leave a party early without looking rude? Or it might be the version of myself who remembers how to flirt. I don't. I can't remember how to flirt. Did I ever flirt? I don't even know. Oh, and it might just be me even more, but even louder, because it's December, I don't know, it feels like all of those things. And the thing is, Christmas parties, right? They force you to choose an identity costume when you're in the middle of reinventing yourself. So of course, it feels uncomfortable. Of course, it feels off. Of course, you feel like you're playing a character in a pantomime you didn't bloody audition for. So if this is you, breathe, breathe, love. Just breathe, because you're not alone and there isn't something wrong with you. You're just evolving. That's all you're just evolving and talking of being the single one. I 100% believe that divorce December hits different because, let's be honest, divorce makes everything sharper in the holiday season, doesn't it? Every song, every advert, every family on Instagram, every What are you doing for Christmas? Every Santa's goto, every twinkly bloody light, every bit of mistletoe, feels like it's got a hidden emotional agenda, and it's triggering as fuck. Triggering as fuck, because December's the month of reflection and expectation and love and family and belonging and comparison and closeness and memory and all the invisible grief that comes with losing such a massive version of your life. And if you're navigating co parenting at all, God help you love, because now Christmas also includes spreadsheets and negotiations and emotional labour and deciding who buys what, and pretending that everything's for the kids, pretending everything's fine for everyone, crying in car park at Tesco. And the kicker is nothing makes you question your identity quite like watching a version of your old life carry on without you. It's wild, wild. But equally, and this is important, so really important, nothing makes you

Sarah Elizabeth  9:57  

stronger than learning to. Build a new one. December will show you who you were. Yep, it will and divorce will show you who you are, and that reinvention shows you who you're becoming. It's a hard time when we just want to hide away from the fucking world that feels like it's beating the crap out of us this year, it's hard and we want to hide away, don't we? Talking of which let's talk about the cocoon era. I love a cocoon era, but when it collides with social season, hell, your cocoon era is that season where you really, really don't want to be social. You don't want to be switched on, you don't want small talk, you don't want chaos, you don't want forced fun, you don't want to go out. Don't want to wear heels. You just want some warmth and cosiness, slowness, quiet, healing, peace, reflection, low stimulation, high blankets, you know. But December's basically says hello, we need you to be festive, sparkly, happy, present, sociable, available, approachable, fun, and your nervous system's like, actually a bag of ice, potatoes and pigs in blankets on me own. What's Love Actually, for the zillionth time, ironically. And that's okay, that's fine, because the truth is, your cocoon era isn't a problem for you. It might be a problem for everyone else, but only a problem for you. It's just a protective layer, and December doesn't get to bully you out of it if you don't want it to. Women always think the cocoon era is depression. It's bullshit. It's not it's emotional recalibration. It's your identity shedding. It's you preparing for the next version of you. Caterpillars don't bloody socialise, do they a cocoon? And if anyone judged a caterpillar for not wanting to go to a Christmas party. I think they might be the ones with the problem actually, you know, which does bring me on, actually, to who you have around you and why that freaking matters so much. Because one of the biggest identity triggers of December, it fucking shows you the truth about your relationships. Do you suddenly realise who checks in on you, who drains the fuck out of you, who assumes that you're gonna fucking do all the hard labour for them, who you miss, who you don't, who's only around for convenience, who's part of the old you, who belongs in your next era, who you feel safe with, who you perform for. Before, who sees you, who doesn't fucking listen, who lifts you up, who leaves you exhausted, who makes you feel like yourself, who makes you shrink. December does not lie, and neither does your discomfort. If someone's energy feels off, trust it. If someone's presence feels heavy, trust it. If someone's absence feels peaceful, trust that and all we have to trust what we feel and actually trust what we see too, because December's massively visual, isn't it, like all the external shit as well as the internal It's sparkly outfits and photos and events and Lights, Camera Action and things to you in social media, which you want to hide, it's mirror moments. It's being seen. It's feeling seen. It's avoiding being seen. And for so many of us, women, I feel like that, that self perception is one of the quietest, yet loudest triggers of the whole month. It's like an oxymoron, and you might catch yourself fly in the mirror, maybe the mirror behind the bar that you don't want to be at, or someone's unfiltered shit. Was honest that you didn't consent to and think to yourself, oh, God, when did I start looking so tired? Oh, I know. Why do I look different in my pictures than I do in my head? Who even is that? Who's that person in that photo? Doesn't is that actually me and without meaning to your brain starts comparing you to your past self, to your mates, to every fucker on Instagram, to your ex's new partner, even if you don't want him, your sister, your past life, your fantasy life, everyone's curated happiness, and it fucks your confidence in a way that, quite honestly, I don't think July ever does August, that's My birthday month, that's why. But December, like amplifies everything. But the thing is, in all of this, right, I think you don't need to love how you look. You don't have to love how you look. It helps, but you have to stop letting it decide your worth. December doesn't get to tell you who you are not anymore. So what the hell do we do about it? What? Well, let's actually make this useful. Let's make this a useful podcast. 

Sarah Elizabeth  16:34  

So some raw, real woman strategies for surviving and actually thriving in this self perception season, as we call it. Number one, choose your identity on purpose. No more. Who do I need to be for this event? Ask yourself, who do I want to be? For me, we talk a lot about the word of the year. Don't we? Like we'd we're getting close to January, where we'll pick a new word for 2026 why not pick one word just for December? Magnetic, audacious. I love that word. Intentional, grounded, playful, invisible. Invisibility can be a valid choice as well. If that's what you want. Be selective, peaceful, just pick a word for crimbo that suits you and then make every choice through that identity lens. Does it work for you, not someone else's version of you, or even an old version of you? Number two, you're allowed to decline anything and everything that drains you. If you're in your cocoon era, you don't owe anyone your presence. You don't you don't owe the ex a smile. You don't owe your family cheerful, emotional shit. You don't owe your work colleagues a front o seat to your burnout. No. You are allowed to choose quiet, early nights. You allowed to say no, just no. You allowed to rest. Put some boundaries in. Be silent, whatever you want. December's not a one woman pantomime love, right? And number three, design a version of Christmas that actually fits the you now. Your life has changed. Your identity has changed throughout this year. It's changed. It's shifted. Your traditions can as well. And I've talked about this previously in December episodes back when we were the divorce chapter, because it might mean new rituals, new foods, new routines, new people, new days, new boundaries, new expectations, whatever it looks like. It's not just for divorce. It's for anyone coming through an identity reinvention. If traditional Christmas isn't working for you, comforting for you, create one that is end of and also on that number four, allow the grief and the growth doesn't have to be either or it can be and because, actually,

Sarah Elizabeth  19:50  

I think grief can be one of the biggest bridges, actually, between who you were and who you're becoming. You. It's just a bridge. You're allowed to feel sad, you're allowed to feel lonely, you're allowed to miss old memories, even if you don't want to back. You're allowed to feel relief hell. You're allowed to feel relief. Nothing's wrong with you. Everything's just shifting for you. Which brings me on to my next point. Stop, for the love of God, stop performing strength. If there's one month where women pretend they're fine, it's bloody December this year, tell the fucking truth to yourself, to someone you trust, to your body, say I'm fucking tired. I need help. Well, I don't want to pretend this year, or I'm in my cocoon era. Fuck off. Strength isn't a freaking show. You don't have to be going for an Oscar winning performance right now. You don't just ask yourself the question that December always seems to bring up, who am I now? Who have I become this year? Not who you were, not who the ex wanted you to be, not who your family expects you to be, not who Instagram thinks you should be equipped should who you now, as we approach the end of the year, who have you become? And who are you becoming? That's the real magic of this season, not the lights, not the gifts, not the parties. It's the clarity that drops when everything else is too damn loud. It really is. December will always, always bring up shit to the surface, old identities, old roles or wounds or patterns. It will but, but it will also show you, and it will show you how much you've grown, how much you've shared, how much you've got rid of, how much you've survived, how much you've changed, how much more is waiting for you on the other side. December doesn't have to define you. It just shows you glorious you and how much you've grown this year, and prepares you for your next era, the reinvention era, right? And I cannot wait to see this for you, every single one of you beauts that's listening, I really do. I hope that this episode has just given you a bit of a permission slip in. Just do in December your way. Do your year your way. Do next year your way. Do whatever the fuck you want this is your no fucks here. But remember, you have grown so much this year. I know you have you've shifted, you've changed, and that means December might change. It might mean Christmas might change, whatever. Just make it work for you the year of now, the you you've become, and the you are still becoming, right? So if this has been helpful for you, do please take a few seconds to please, please, please rate and review the episode. It takes, honestly, takes seconds. If this episode has helped you in any way, shape or form, because it truly, truly does help share the love with others who might be in their cocoon era and need a little bit of help in that to know that it's okay. So thank you. Thank you so much for listening today. Let's enjoy December and do it our way, whatever that fuck, whatever the fuck that looks like, and I will be back in your beauts, badass earbuds again next week. Loads of luck. Bye.