EP116 The Most Important Person in Your Life (and Why It’s Not Your Kids, Partner or Dog)

This one might sting. But in a good way. Like waxing your upper lip. Necessary.

We’re talking about who the most important person in your life actually is. 

And spoiler: it’s not your kids, your partner, your mum, your boss, your dog, or the bloody recycling bin.

It’s YOU.

I know. Revolutionary.

Groundbreaking.

How will the world cope.

Except… most of us live like we’re the very last thing on our own priority list.

We make a cup of tea and then immediately go handle everyone else’s chaos until the tea is colder than our ex’s heart.

We say “I’ll sit down in a minute” and suddenly it’s Thursday next month.

We treat rest like some kind of cheeky treat we’ve got to earn by nearly dying.

This episode is your loving bitch slap reminder that:

• You are not the unpaid emotional concierge of your life.
  
  
• You are not the background character.
  
  
• You are the main event.
  
  

And if you don’t choose yourself, you’re teaching the world that you don’t need to be chosen. Which… is a no from me.

So we’re going all in on:
 • Why women are trained to put themselves last
• Why being “needed” becomes an identity
• How to start choosing yourself again (in tiny, doable ways)
• And yes, how to drink your tea while it’s hot

Plus, at the end I’ll show you how to start your mornings like you actually run your life, instead of bolting out of bed into chaos. Seven minutes. That’s it.

If you’re exhausted, resentful, burnt out or just tired of being the one who “holds everything together”… this is for you.

You are the most important person in your life.

Act like it 

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Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hola, and welcome back to the reinvention era. If you're new here. Hello. Super pleased to be in your earbuds. This podcast is where I Sarah Elizabeth as the Queen of reinvention. Alchemize your identity to relight your fire in the words of take that I won't sing because that'll turn you out. And today we're talking about something that should be obvious, but somehow feels like we all collectively forgotten it along the fucking way, like it's become the last thing on the endless to do list only. It's where all reinvention must actually start, right? And it's this who is the most important person in your life, and before you do the very British thing of saying your kids or your partner or the dog or the queen or the fucking recycling bin, no, no, no, no, the answer, the correct answer is you. It's you, only we forget that bit, right? And I'm as guilty as you are love, so don't think we're in for a loving bitch slap on this one, because if we are, I'm giving myself one. And all honestly, this episode was actually inspired by the one and the only Dani fucking Wallace at the big festoon a couple of weeks back, who came on stage like a one woman wardrobe department, basically loving bitch slapped us all in the face with the much needed reminder that if you don't put yourself first, you're running on fumes trying to fuel everyone else. So we are going to talk about why that's so damn hard, how we've ended up somehow programmed to put ourselves bloody Last, and most importantly, how to start changing it in tiny, everyday ways that build up big changes. Okay, now, like I said, this isn't a preachy episode. I haven't got Sarah soapbox out yet. It's more of a Oh shit. That's me as well moment, you know, but in the best way. Okay, so let's get into it. Into it. Who is the most important person in your life. So as I said, the inspiration for this episode actually came from being at the big festoon the other week. And if you weren't there or haven't yet heard of the big festoon, just imagine the most colourful, fabulous, slightly unhinged, but in a fabulous kind of way, festival of power, sequins, emotional breakthroughs, kind of like Glastonbury, but instead of the muddy boots, you get glitter and cocktails and people in their full on main character energy, it is, hands down, the most inclusive event I've ever, ever known. Literally everybody is welcome to grow in business and in life and in the middle of it all, running the show, you've got Dani Wallace, or as she quite rightly calls herself, Dani fucking Wallace, the queen bee of this baby, this woman, just as an aside, came out in a new outfit. Every single time she walked on stage, I lost count of the fabulousness of them all, like literally ranging from gold boots and fishnets to a pumpkin. Obviously, it was spooktacular. After all, honestly, at one point, I thought maybe she had some like, weird conveyor belt wardrobe, like something out of clueless, just fabulous outfit after fabulous outfit, the confidence, the drama, The I've arrived, and I know you're watching, kind of energy we all needed our life, right? But there was this one moment with her, one line, one thing she kept saying that quite honestly, hit me like a brick to the back of the head. She asked, Who is the most important person in this room? And everyone like, I say, did that very British, polite, confused face, you know, the one like, is this a trick question? Am I being marked? Kind of face? You know? And people were sort of mumbling shit like, oh the collective or each other, or my kids, the fucking dog, you know, as she goes, it's you. You are the most important person in your life. And if it's not you, we've got a problem. And I swear to God, the room went silent just for a very brief, minuscule of a moment before the cheer like we all sort of needed, everyone in the room sort of needed that Windows reboot sound to process what she just said. Because even though we all know it logically, most of us live like we are actually the very last item on your own goddamn priority list. I know I have, I definitely have. You probably have. Every woman I've ever worked with probably has, we are almost trained to put everyone else first, aren't we? Make sure everyone's okay, make sure everyone's fed, make sure everyone's emotions are regulated, make sure everyone's shit is all sorted before we even consider drinking our cup of tea while it's still fucking hot. You know, actually, let's just talk about that one for a second, right? Because, actually, recently, I was having this random conversation about microwaves. Yeah, no, it was very random. Anyway, someone said, I haven't got microwave, which, okay, we all have our quirks. You do you love. But someone else then jumped in like, well, then how the hell do we heat your cup of tea up? And I'm sat there thinking, 

Sarah Elizabeth  06:46

actually, why are we heating up a freaking cup of tea? Why not just drink it while it's hot? But you know why? You know why? Because we don't drink it when it's hot. Do we because the second we make a cup of tea. We're like, oh, I will just pop a load of washing in before I drink it. Or I just, I'll just answer this email quickly. Or, Oh, I must just empty the dishwasher. Or, you know, I'll just solve world peace real quick. Hang on. Hang on and cut to your cup of tea is now colder than your ex's heart. And you know what we do? Then we reheat it if you've got a microwave. And then something else happens. We forget about it again, and before you know it, you're standing in the kitchen staring at a fucking mug of tea that has been reheated so many times it has the nutritional value of a puddle in a car park. 

Sarah Elizabeth  07:44

But that is what women's lives are like, right? And I'm just not talking just tea everything we're constantly saying. I'll rest when this is done. I'll sit down after I've sorted this. Oh, I'll have a weekend off when the chaos is over. And spoiler alert, the chaos is never fucking over. There is always another thing you could be doing. There's always another person who needs you. There's always something else that feels more important than you. And you know what happens when we live like that? We become extras in our own fucking lives. Everyone else gets the main storyline. Everyone else gets the attention, the care, the energy, the best parts of us. And we get the crumbs, the tired, leftover scraps. And then we wonder why we feel resentful or invisible or like life is just happening at us rather than something we are actively choosing, because we keep putting ourselves last. And the thing is, putting yourself first is not selfish. It's basic self respect. If you don't choose yourself, you're teaching the world not to choose you either. Let me say that getting a bit louder for those at the back, because someone I know needs it. If you don't choose yourself, you are teaching everyone else that you don't need to be chosen. And I know the excuses because I've said them all, oh, but the kids need me, but my partner needs support, but work's busy, but if I don't do it, no one will and listen. I'm not saying appending your responsibilities and run away to Bali to do yoga with goats or whatever's trending on Instagram this week, I'm saying stop making yourself the last priority on your own goddamn to do list. You're the engine. If the engine stops, the car ain't going nowhere. Self care isn't like just bubble bars. It's being a functioning fucking human.

Sarah Elizabeth  10:00

It's eating properly. It's sleeping well, getting the rest in, having the boundaries. It's saying no, without justifying it with a 14 slide PowerPoint. It's resting before you collapse, not after freaking burnout. It's treating yourself like someone you actually like. If your best mate was exhausted, would you be going, Oh, babe, don't worry. Keep going. Burn yourself out, love. Nobody else matters. Martyrdom's very chic this season, darling. Of course, you wouldn't. You'd be going sit your ass down and have a break love. But when it's us, when it's us, we power on like some robot Hoover with a grudge. But this is because, and as comfortable as this is going to sound, actually, that was another thing Dani Wallace said, Are you sitting comfortably? Spoiler, the correct answer is no, because comfortable equals plodding on as you are. 

Sarah Elizabeth  11:03

But anyway, the uncomfortable truth is a lot of us have learned actually that feeling useful equates to feeling worthy. If we're needed, we matter. If we're helping, we're good, if we're selfless, we're lovable. So we're almost addicted to being needed. It's not really I love taking care of everyone. It's more I don't know who I am if I stop, but you can know who you are. You can be the main character in your own show of your life. You can put yourself first without the whole world collapsing. And that starts with the tiniest, tiniest shift, like drinking your tea while it's hot, not after you fix the house, the world and the family's emotional legacies. 

Sarah Elizabeth  12:07

Now, in this moment, you just you, because every time you choose yourself in even a very, very, very small way, you're rebuilding your identity. You're saying I matter. My needs count. I'm not a supporting role. I'm the fucking lead love, and that's the energy that builds the life you actually want. So before I move on, let's just go a little bit even deeper for a second, right? Because I guarantee someone listening right now is thinking, but I don't even know what I want anymore. And truly, that's not because you're lost. It's actually because you've spent years, years being defined by what other people need from you. There's this saying that if you don't know what to pursue in life, pursue yourself. Stop looking for the answer out there somewhere in the in the universe, in the checklist, in the role, in the expectations in the relationship, in what your mum thinks and what your kids need, in what society says a good woman does look in the mirror, not in a woo, woo, gaze into your soul sort of way. I mean, literally, ask yourself what pisses me off, what drains the damn life out of me, what feels suffocating? What am I sick of pretending I don't care about because your triggers, the things that irritate you, your I can't do this anymore moments. They're not weaknesses. They're almost like road signs. They point directly to the places you've been abandoning yourself. And on the flip side, look at the things that light you up, that make your shoulders drop, that make you feel like you're actually here and not just functioning. Because those are clues as well you don't find yourself by sitting quietly hoping that clarity lands like some spiritual Amazon delivery. You find yourself by paying attention to your own reactions your life is talking to you to look in the mirror, and if you're still saying that, you truly don't know where to start. Well, start stupidly small, like I'm going to keep saying it drink your tea while it's hot, like sitting down when you said you were going to sit down, like going to bed when you're knackered, instead of pushing through, like stopping you. Finishing conversations in your head with people who are draining, you ask yourself, at least once a day, what do I actually want right now and then go with the answer, even if it's just I want five minutes of bloody silence in the loo, because those tiny choices are how identity is rebuilt, not with a retreat in Bali, not with a full personality makeover, with the tiny, ordinary, everyday moments of choosing yourself because you can't reinvent a Self you've never even given yourself permission to me, you to meet. So my question to you is, who is the most important person in your life? And if your answer wasn't me, me say that's your homework this week, or home play as, that sassy godmother, Jojo Smith says, Don't overthink it. Just drink your tea while it's fucking hot. Sit the fuck down. Rest. Say no, do something just because it makes you feel good, even if someone somewhere disapproves. Who gives a fuck? You're not here to be everybody's everything. You're here to be you, and that is more than enough. You're the main event. Act like it. I do get it. I get it. I'm sort of having I've gone into a bit of Sarah soapbox loving bitch slap. But I do get it. Because if you have spent the last however many years, decades, living like unpaid, emotional concierge of your household, your family, your workplace. It's just your reminder, right? This is the main event. You are the main event. You're not the support act. And if you're sitting there going shit right? Sarah, I do want to put myself first. I get it. But where the hell do I start? 

Sarah Elizabeth  17:05

Well, you can start in the morning. When you wake up, start as you mean to go on, because I tell you how you start your day. Sets the tone for the whole thing. If the first thing you do in the morning is react to everybody else's needs. You're already behind. But if you give yourself just seven minutes, seven minutes, that's it, seven minutes before the world gets a piece of you, your whole day will hit different there's 1440 minutes every single day. Seven minutes is point four, 8% of a day. For you to bring main character energy in, that's fucking it, less than 1% of a day, half a percent of a day, less than half a percent of a day. That's all you need. Seven minutes. And to help you, I've put together the seven minute badass power morning bundle. It's super simple. There's no perfection, there's no long routines. There's no chanting on a mountaintop or ice bath in sight. It's just a seven minute guided audio with seven mini rituals. You get a ritual guide with it that tells you what you're doing and why it works. This shit is it's science and experience backed love, and it even comes with a load of disruptive questions that shift your brain out of survival autopilot and into I'm a grown woman running my own goddamn life. And you know what? All that, all of that, to reclaim your morning, rebuild your day, reinvent your life, is seven pounds, 77 basically the cost of a sad coffee and a Flapjack at a service station. But the impact, the impact, is fucking massive, because this is you saying, I start with me. My energy comes first. My life is mine to lead. So if you want it, the links in the show notes or head over to the Queen of reinvention.com. Go download it, start tomorrow, drink your tea while it's hot, and remember you are the most important person in your life. So I'm going to say it one more time. Ask you one more time, who is the most important person in your life? Yes, you so act like it, love. I hope that has helped you this week, I can't wait to be back in your beauts badass earbuds again next week for more on alchemizing Your reinvention, I am sending you so much love. Please put yourself first. loads of love. Bye.